starspangled | Inbox (Eachdraidh)

[Yeah, the way Steve draws a breath as if to answer and then doesn't: that's pretty much an answer itself.]

Yeah, but I was a large one. Not like a sparrow or anything.

[...like that makes a difference.]

You were a bird.

[Steve laughs a little. He can't help it, even if it's tired and a little bit disbelieving.]

It could only happen to me. I couldn't even fly.

I bet you would've liked me though.

[He's not sure he can imagine it.]

I like you anyway.

[He doesn't have to be a bird for that.]

[Okay, he might've needed that.]

I'll tell you something. I like you too.

[His breath catches.

He needed that, too.

It's not that he was worried, it's just... with Hydra no one liked him. He was the Asset. A tool.

And now... well he's still not sure if Steve likes him or he likes his memory of Bucky.]

I...

[He swallows and shakes his head, even if Steve can't see it.]

Good.

[Steve's seen him do it before, try to say something that won't come out. This time he hears it, the beginning of something that ended too soon.]

Something else on your mind?

[He swallows. He could lie.

No, he really couldn't.

He's... not entirely sure he's capable of lying, actually.

So, after a moment's obvious hesitation,]

Yes.

[But he couldn't possibly be able to explain it fully.]

Okay.

[How does he help. He wants to, but that doesn't mean he can, and that feeling always puts him on edge.

He thinks back to the last thing they were talking about.]

Is it about me liking you? Or you liking me?

[Bucky, are you about to confess your love, because he can get you candy and flowers for half-price today.]

[No Steve, it's not that.]

...the first one.

[~~Dammit~~]

Okay, so it's about me liking you. Do you believe me?

[He hesitates.

How does he explain this? Because Steve's not going to be able to guess it.]

You like Bucky.

Right. I do like you.

[There must be more to it.]

[He lets out a frustrated noise, because he's not getting it.]

No. The... the old Bucky.

Ah-

[It's a surprised sound. Now he gets it, and he feels like he definitely should've gotten it before. After a moment he switches to video on his end. Steve looks dirty and beat to hell, part of the reason he kept it to voice before. But this seems important. Bucky needs to see him.]

You think I look at you and see....him?

[It's hard for Steve to refer to him like two separate people. He's not even sure that he's doing the right thing by doing it.]

You're worried that he's the one I like?

[It takes him a minute to finally switch over to video as well, and as soon as he does, it's apparent how upset he is by this conversation.

But he does need to see Steve.

He needs to see that he's being... sincere.]

Yes.

[He swallows, looking away.]

I haven't... remembered enough.

[To be him again.]

I know.

[Soft. Bucky looks upset, and it kills him. He's been through enough, he's suffered enough. Steve takes a deep breath. Right now he would trade all of his physical strength for whatever he needs to do this right.]

And you might not. [He doesn't know if Bucky has faced that possibility or not. Maybe Steve hasn't wanted to, but right now he feels like he needs to.] You might never remember another thing about who you were or where you came from.

[Steve hesitates there. Is he saying the wrong things? Will that just upset him more? The panic tries to set in, but he swallows it down.]

And if you don't, then so be it. Someone once told me that we can't go back, and she was right. So we go forward. We start all over if we have to. And I want to do that with you, if you'll let me. You mean more to me than any memory, Bucky.

[He does look at Steve for that, searching his eyes. He's not looking into his eyes, he's looking at them, searching for the physical signs of honesty.

He frowns and looks away when he's done talking, swallowing. It's hard to see from the video, but he knows Steve's face and he... he knows he's being genuine.

And he's not sure he understands how he's feeling, or the enormity of what Steve's confessing. And he... he has considered the possibility of never remembering everything, and he doesn't like thinking about it.

...he can't do this right now. He can't.

He shakes his head.]

I'm not...

[The person you used to know. The old Bucky.

Worth this.

He's a tool. Created for a purpose. This is more than he can handle. There's too many emotions that he doesn't understand that he shouldn't be feeling at all. Emotions, any emotions, distract from the mission, distract from his purpose.

But what the hell even is his purpose anymore?

He shakes his head again, letting out a soft, desperate, despairing sound, and just... ends the feed.

He can't do this. He doesn't have the capacity for it, the ability to even process it.]

Inbox (Eachdraidh)

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

Video

Video

Video

no subject