starspangled | Inbox (Eachdraidh)

[He is upset. How could he not be? He just holds it in really well.]

Then what was it?

[How does he describe it?

He's quiet for a moment. It's a complex set of feelings involving the lack of purpose, combined with the confusion of having felt close to that purpose again during the battles...

...even with Steve he feels lost. He can't help but feel like Steve's expecting him to be someone he's not. Someone he can only barely remember being.

He's still trying to find who he is.]

I was restless.

Is it better now?

[That's the real question, isn't it.]

I'm coming back.

[It's not an answer. Not really.

But really? The problem isn't solved. He's not really any closer to figuring out who he is than he was before. The only thing he managed to clearly define is that he really is good at the killing, and that having a mission makes sense.

But finding a mission didn't really solve anything.]

Good.

[It's soft, not sharp. He just doesn't know what else to say. He's relieved and sad and worried all at once. When he woke up and found Bucky gone again, not knowing where he went or why, if he was okay, it took the wind right back out of his sails.

But it's not about him. He doesn't want it to be.]

I'll see you soon. Want me to do anything?

[It's an offer he doesn't usually get, and it leaves him a little bewildered.

He almost wants to say don't ask what I've been doing, but if Steve hasn't asked yet, he doesn't want to lead him to think the worst.

He swallows.]

Just... be there when I get there.

[Steve's just gonna pretend he was doing the same thing he did the last time he kept something secret from Bucky: trying to join the Army.

There's a little smile in his voice when he responds.]

You bet. I wouldn't be anywhere else, Buck.

Okay. Good.

[He shouldn't feel so relieved. Of course Steve would still be there. He can... he can trust Steve.]

I... there's a boat tomorrow.

A boat?

[Oh. Right. He forgot to mention that part.]

I'm in Mair. I can take a boat back to the Station.

[Dear lord, it's worse than he thought. Steve's heard about Mair. He's vowed to never step foot in it.

And yet he would've if he'd known.]

I see. I would tell you to not lean too far over the edge, but we both know you're a pretty good swimmer.

[Ha. Not really funny, but he appreciates the reference to something he can remember.]

Yes.

Got a place to stay tonight?

[...oh. Sleep.

It's not until right that moment that he realizes he hasn't actually had significant sleep for the past several days. He could probably go for another full 24 hours without sleep, but he's got a feeling Steve wouldn't like that.]

I... can find something.

[Jack will probably try to drag him into a brothel.]

[He would not approve of your new friend Jack. Steve sighs softly, because 'something' doesn't sound very promising. He'll give him a few gold coins when he gets back, enough for a few nights of food and shelter, just in case.]

A roof over your head would be nice. But as long as it's someplace safe.

[He sighs a little, because he's pretty sure he's more dangerous than anything this city can throw at him, but he doesn't say that.]

I'll be fine.

I know.

[A little embarrassment creeps into his voice, because Bucky's a grown man, much less a trained killer. And he doesn't want to bring up the past either, how Bucky always took care of him, even when he didn't make it easy.]

I guess I just don't wanna lose you again.

[...oh.

He's quiet for a long time at that one.]

You won't.

Okay.

[Bucky says that he won't, and Steve takes it as a promise, a simpler end of the line but just as good.]

Sam has a surprise for you when you get back.

[He's a little suspicious of surprises.]

...okay.

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