starspangled | Inbox (Eachdraidh)

I know.

[Steve looks sheepish about it, because Bucky's obviously not a ghost.]

I guess it's just the years that I thought you were dead.

[The mourning and the blame he put on himself.]

Anyway, where should we meet?

Edited 2015-03-27 02:47 (UTC)

I'll find you.

[ Bucky had been busy for the past couple of hours, investigating and checking up on other things -- but Steve, well, the man is one of his topmost priorities as far as everything is concerned.

He quietly accepts that comment, studies him and knows that somehow, he has to address this. He must. ]

It's not your fault.

Do you remember it?

[Because he either doesn't or it's flawed, otherwise he'd know the truth. Steve's jaw tenses for a moment.]

I'll be outside my room.

[ Bucky doesn't know what to say to that -- his memories were there only in the barest of glimpses, here and there. It's still coming back to him. But whatever it is, however it turns out; he's very sure it's not his fault.

He doesn't respond, but starts towards Steve's room, moving to him when he spots him outside. Steve doesn't look good. He looks haunted, sad, and it unsettles Bucky in ways he can't quite explain. ]

Do you still see them?

Only when I open my eyes.

[He tries to joke, even when he's tired, when he hasn't slept. He's had it worse. Steve's eyes flicker past Bucky's shoulders before he quickly redirects them back to his face.]

Start with the first floor and work our way up?

[ Bucky doesn't look where Steve does -- he doesn't need to. There's nothing there, but what lingers in Steve's imagination. He has no reason to hurry them along, and he only steps closer, as if he could save Steve from what's in his mind.

He can't, not any more than his best friend, his closest, dearest friend can save him from his own demons. ]

Did you see me? Or someone else?

[Steve's careful when he answers, looking into Bucky's eyes, only the slightest tensing of his jaw before he answers.]

I didn't see anyone, because he's not really there.

[He's right in front of him.]

[ A part of him wants to ask what Steve says, what the ghost could be indicting him for -- he wants to ask about the guilt, the pain that he sees clear as day in Steve's eyes, and he wonders which is marginally less excruciating to look at: the ghost, or the man?

Or is there any difference at all? James Barnes as he is now must be difficult for Steve to accept, too. But he pays it little mind, knows that they have to move forward, and quickly.

He walks with him, keeping an eye out. ]

Do your ghosts talk to you?

No.

[Just seeing Bucky's smile, the easy way it used to cross his lips, that's more painful than any words ever could be.]

When they do, I try not to listen. [Steve frowns gently at him.] What about you? See anybody?

[ He's quiet for a moment, then. ]

I see them all the time.

[ In his head, or in the hotel -- the only difference is the wallpaper. He looks down at his hands. ]

I've killed a lot of people. [ There's a lump in his throat. ] I thought it was for the greater good.

Bucky.

[Steve stops in the hallway, reaching out to place a hand on his shoulder. He tries to step in front of Bucky, putting them face to face.]

They didn't give you a chance to think anything else.

[ Bucky stops in his tracks when Steve steps in front of him, and he looks up, his expression one of forced neutrality, of someone working hard to hold it all in together.

And more importantly, of someone who cares about the man before him more than himself. He turns it back on Steve. ]

What do you tell yourself when you see those ghosts?

[Steve lifts his chin a little at that. Bucky knows, he knows the guilt that he carries too. But he can't give up, and his answer reflects that.]

I tell myself that I have to do better today.