[Because if he hadn't done it, he wouldn't have Steve with him here now. And... he needs Steve. He doesn't really understand it, but he needs Steve more than he can possibly say.]
[It's not just optimism or determination. Bucky had it right the first time, he can't take much more of this either.
He snorts.]
Wanna hear something crazy? I'm a grown man. I've been to war. I've looked death in the eyes more times than I can count. And I miss my best friend like a kid misses their teddy bear.
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[A bird.
He doesn't remember.]
Did it... was it okay?
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[There's a soft laugh at the memory.]
Of course I said I wasn't. But you knew.
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How old were we?
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[Yeah. That age.]
Would you tell me a story, Buck?
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Don't know any.
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[Steve corrects gently.]
The day I fell from the helicarrier. The day you pulled me out of the Potomac. I'd like to hear that story.
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[He's more nervous than anything else. He can't tell a story. How do you even do that?]
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[He knows the facts, what happened. But he wants to know what Bucky was thinking. Maybe the best way is just by asking.]
You could've just let me die. Why didn't you?
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He swallows hard and when he speaks, it's broken.]
I... remembered. Nothing... no one... had ever made me... remember. Like that. Before.
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[It had seemed to distress him at the time, facing something that directly clashed with his mission.]
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[He says it softly.]
It hurt. It still hurts.
[Physically and emotionally.]
But I... wanted to know... what Hydra was hiding from me.
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[Steve sounds like it doesn't make much difference to him. But if Bucky hadn't, if he'd truly been lost, then it really wouldn't have.]
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[Because if he hadn't done it, he wouldn't have Steve with him here now. And... he needs Steve. He doesn't really understand it, but he needs Steve more than he can possibly say.]
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I wouldn't let anyone hurt you, though. I wouldn't let them lock you up.
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If... we get back... I'll find you again.
[Another moment of quiet.]
I can't... I don't... want... to be alone anymore.
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[It's not just optimism or determination. Bucky had it right the first time, he can't take much more of this either.
He snorts.]
Wanna hear something crazy? I'm a grown man. I've been to war. I've looked death in the eyes more times than I can count. And I miss my best friend like a kid misses their teddy bear.
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Me too.
[More, even.
And it's only been a few days.
This doesn't bode well.]
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'Steve bear' doesn't have the same ring to it as 'Bucky bear' though.
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Captain Ameri-bear.
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[He chuckles a little at that.]
Now I'll have to find a toy maker to make them.
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Wouldn't mind having one.
[Even if... a bear of himself trivializes what he is, but... it's okay. It's a joke. It's okay.]
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[Which he's feeling more and more guilty about.]
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[He's quiet a moment.]
I don't care what the monarchs say. I won't stop talking to you or seeing you.
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[He hisses it out with vehemence.]
They don't have my loyalty enough for that.
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