starspangled | Inbox (Eachdraidh)

Oh.

[A bird.

He doesn't remember.]

Did it... was it okay?

It was fine. A few days later it was big enough to fly away. We both cried.

[There's a soft laugh at the memory.]

Of course I said I wasn't. But you knew.

[He's quiet for a moment, trying to find the memory of it in his head, but there's nothing there. He sighs softly.]

How old were we?

Maybe ten? You were missing one of your front teeth. Always bragging about how you could spit through it.

[Yeah. That age.]

Would you tell me a story, Buck?

[He lets out a frustrated huff.]

Don't know any.

I think you do.

[Steve corrects gently.]

The day I fell from the helicarrier. The day you pulled me out of the Potomac. I'd like to hear that story.

But you know that one.

[He's more nervous than anything else. He can't tell a story. How do you even do that?]

Not really.

[He knows the facts, what happened. But he wants to know what Bucky was thinking. Maybe the best way is just by asking.]

You could've just let me die. Why didn't you?

[He's quiet for a long time, only the sound of his breathing evidence that he's still there.

He swallows hard and when he speaks, it's broken.]

I... remembered. Nothing... no one... had ever made me... remember. Like that. Before.

Was it better to remember?

[It had seemed to distress him at the time, facing something that directly clashed with his mission.]

No.

[He says it softly.]

It hurt. It still hurts.

[Physically and emotionally.]

But I... wanted to know... what Hydra was hiding from me.

Are you sorry you did it?

[Steve sounds like it doesn't make much difference to him. But if Bucky hadn't, if he'd truly been lost, then it really wouldn't have.]

No. I'm not.

[Because if he hadn't done it, he wouldn't have Steve with him here now. And... he needs Steve. He doesn't really understand it, but he needs Steve more than he can possibly say.]

I'm sorry you didn't wait for me to wake up. But I understand why you couldn't.

I wouldn't let anyone hurt you, though. I wouldn't let them lock you up.

[He takes a breath, and is quiet for a moment.]

If... we get back... I'll find you again.

[Another moment of quiet.]

I can't... I don't... want... to be alone anymore.

When you get back.

[It's not just optimism or determination. Bucky had it right the first time, he can't take much more of this either.

He snorts.]

Wanna hear something crazy? I'm a grown man. I've been to war. I've looked death in the eyes more times than I can count. And I miss my best friend like a kid misses their teddy bear.

[He swallows hard.]

Me too.

[More, even.

And it's only been a few days.

This doesn't bode well.]

[It's bittersweet, but he smiles at that.]

'Steve bear' doesn't have the same ring to it as 'Bucky bear' though.

[He snorts at that, though the sound is weak, half-hearted.]

Captain Ameri-bear.

Oh no.

[He chuckles a little at that.]

Now I'll have to find a toy maker to make them.

[He likes hearing Steve laugh. It makes him feel a little better. This whole conversation has.]

Wouldn't mind having one.

[Even if... a bear of himself trivializes what he is, but... it's okay. It's a joke. It's okay.]

He could keep you company when I couldn't.

[Which he's feeling more and more guilty about.]

Yes.

[He's quiet a moment.]

I don't care what the monarchs say. I won't stop talking to you or seeing you.

You know that could get you in a lot of trouble. Even killed.

I don't care.

[He hisses it out with vehemence.]

They don't have my loyalty enough for that.

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